Thoughts Of An Insomniac

Today wasn't so good I don't know how to explain it...It's like I wasn't me but I was watching me (If you understand what I mean by that). It's confusing It's like someone else was controlling my feelings and I could only watch as everything was happening.

All day people kept talking to me as if I was stupid. That really did bother me It's like they're all in this little group together and they purposely talk down to me because I'm on the outside and I'm just looking in on them like some sort of freak. That really does not help my little 'problem' with paranoia

I came home and locked myself in my room again. I sat against the door just crying...I just don't want to be around people right now It's like if I'm around people then I'll have to put on this facade, all the while feeling so utterly paranoid and shit about myself I hate this. I hate the fact that I'm still locked in my room on my own worrying about what everyone thinks of me. Why should I care I shouldn't! I know I shouldn't....and yet I still do. What's wrong with me

I hate myself for feeling like this I can't help it...I know I can't because I try so hard to be a happy, hyper person yet it just doesn't work. The thing is I'm not sure why I'm not happy Nothing's completely terrible for me. So why is it I'm sitting here feeling so down, wanting to just give up I honeslty don't know anymore. I'm tired of these mood swings, they make me irritable and I never know how I'm going to feel. It's too confusing for me. I wish I could somehow take this stupid self-pitying feeling away because it's driving me so crazy that I will end up doing something stupid

There's nothing specific that's making me feel like this...It's like I have all the space in the world yet I still need room to breathe I just feel trapped inside my head and I can't quite claw my way out of these depressing thoughts. I want to get out...I really do. I need to...before it goes too far

Last night was amazing MSI played such a great set. Met them all afterwards which made my year to be honest They signed my ticket and took photos with me (none of which turned out any good but oh well). Got hugs from Kitty and Steve. Let me tell you....Steve's hugs are amazing He was so sweaty it was great

Dyed my hair before the gig. I quite like it What do you think?

Went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall today. I thought it was really funny...and the fact that Russell Brand was in it just made it all the more amazing

Brought some magenta hair dye...going to dye it tomorrow before I go to see Mindless Self Indulgence. Good day today The only drawback is the pile of science coursework I've got to finish for tomorrow.

I'm sorry that I'm never there for you
I'm sorry that I get so paranoid
I'm sorry for constantly having this guilty feeling
I'm sorry that I'm never going to be good enough
I'm sorry that I have no will power
I'm sorry for never taking your advice
I'm sorry that my best isn't good enough
I'm sorry that you have to put up with me
I'm sorry that I can't say this to your face
I'm sorry for always being so selfish
I'm sorry for never telling you I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I wish I was better just to make you happy
I'm sorry that I can never find the words to say how I feel
I'm sorry that I can't take back the things I've done that have hurt you
I'm sorry for always feeling sorry for myself

Writers block again I have a few ideas for songs and I need to get stuff out of my head and into lyrics but whenever I try it just comes out as mindless sentences. I haven't wrote anything in a while so I've got that craving to just get something written down but I know I can't force it, which sucks

Had an ok day today. Still got the feeling that people have begun to ignore me though Guess you could say I'm a little paranoid...I just find it hard to trust that anybody actually would bother with me. Stupid I know...I should really just stop feeling sorry for myself because it's getting old now

Directions:
1.) Put your music player on shuffle.
2.) Press forward for each question.
3.) Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4.) NO CHEATING! Or you're no fun.

01) How am I feeling today?
on my own -the used

02) Where will I get married?
see you in hell -aiden

03) What is my best friend's theme song?
mope -bloodhound gang

04) What is/was highschool like?
i'll pay you to shoot him -megan mccauley

05) What is the best thing about me?
trendy -reel big fish

06) How is today going to be?
do unto others -mindless self indulgence

07) What is your current mood?
greener with the scenery -the used

08) Describe my parents?
pressure -paramore

09) How is my life going?
truth of my youth -new found glory

10) What song will they play at my funeral?
a box full of sharp objects -the used

11) How does the world seem to me?
the missing frame -afi

12) What do my friends really think of me?
we are broken -paramore

13) Do people secretly like me?
son of lies -aiden

14) How can I make myself happy?
like shit -mindless self indulgence

15) What should I do with my life?
a favor house atlantic -coheed and cambria

16) What am i really?
call it in the air -jimmy eat world

17) What is some good advice?
deep inside -korn

18) What is life about?
you'll get wrapped -lethal bizzle

19) Am i in love?
the way it is -the prodigy

20) What type of men/women do you like?:
sleep -my chemical romance

21)Will you get married?
misery business -paramore

22) What should I do with my love life?
dont go away mad (just go away) -motley crue

23) Where will you live?
stronger -kanye west

24) Words to live by?
i am hated -slipknot

25) How will my love life be?
sore loser -the 69 eyes

26) How will life be in 10 years?
when the sun sleeps -underoath

27) What was my childhood like?
i don't like the drugs (but the drugs like me) -marilyn manson

28)How well did I do in school?
your only friends are make believe -bloodhound gang

29) How do I feel about my best friend?
left behind -slipknot

30)What do I think about love?
hospital -the used

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

I think that I need to go to a doctor or something It's not normal to get this angry over stupid little things. She only spoke to me and it got me stressed...Actually made me feel like clawing at my skin to relieve the anger I don't know what the heck is wrong with me ....

One of the things that pisses me off about myself is the fact that I always try and please people I say what I think people want to hear and I'm sick of it. All it does is get me into stupid situations that make me miserable I should just say what I think then shouldn't I ...Well that's easier said than done. Everytime I try and tell myself to say what I really want to there's this guilty nagging at the back of my mind and it gets to me and prevents me from saying what I want I want to stop it but I can't...

I'm an idiot I just brought my friends Angels And Airwaves ticket off of her and then I realised that I only know one person from the group that's going...and it's not like I even know him that well considering I've met him about 3 times. I feel cheeky taging along...I was thinking about maybe asking to get a lift there and going in on my own because I normally get seperated from people at gigs anyway...and then just being picked up afterwards. That wouldn't be too bad would it

Thing is I always feel cheeky asking for lifts places...I can't even ask my mutti to pick me up from vati's house without feeling bad about it. I should just suck it up and ask I think

Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe It's like I'm stuck inside this fakeness that surrounds everything and I want out because I'm suffocating. I can't even clear my head of it because the more I try to make everything real the faker it becomes. There's no truth anymore...Everything's just sugar-coated lies to stop people seeing what's really there. I hate this Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who just ignores the obvious and accepts everything as being fake.

It's moments like this that make me realise how much I hate myself I'm such an over-dramatic idiot and frankly it makes me ashamed of myself. It doesn't exactly help that I'm moaning right now...I wish there was a way to make me shut myself up because it'd save a lot of people being annoyed with me I hate the fact that I promise myself I won't do all this again, but then I go and break that promise and just continue being so self-centred
It just feels like I'm 'drowning' and theres nothing I can do to stop it