Thoughts Of An Insomniac

I thought I'd write a quick post whilst I'm taking a break from Media Revision...There's too much of it to deal with at the minute I'm only half way through highlighting the most important stuff I need to remember for my first exam and I've been highlighting for about 3 hours Then after I've done this chunk I need to go through all the stuff for my second media exam and highlight bits of that. Oh how joyful that will be

Then once I've finally finished doing all of that I need to do some art coursework and improve my science coursework...Looks like this week is going to be extremely crap

I'm listening to Korn...They make me happy and makes this revision seem slightly less boring than it is.

Hope you're all good

I have a tendancy to be completely selfish and the stupid thing is I know at the time I'm being selfish yet I never seem to try and just consider how stupid it is I also have a tendancy to feel sorry for myself....if you haven't noticed. Sometimes I make myself laugh at how pathetic this all is. People have way bigger problems...Heck I don't even know if you could really consider the things that bother me problems. I should grow up and get over things

Why does everything have to cost a lot of money? It well annoys me. I need a job, but nowhere will hire me because I don't have any experience....But I can't get any experience because nowhere will hire me. Stupid vicious cycle

I actually had a good nights sleep last night....The first in months. I feel good today, you could even say I feel happy I like it. I'm beginning to accept things for how they are and I'm just happy with what I've got

I know I have my ups and downs, like everyone does, but now I've realised that I should try to move on from that 'depressive' side because like they say, everything always works out in the end

I wish I could sleep more because if it makes me this cheerful then I'd be set. Sleep seems to be the answer to all my problems at the minute, it's giving me a more positive outlook on things

I really do think that a good nights sleep has done me the world of good

I'm sitting here listening to Now That's What I Call The 80's and doing coursework ...In fact I've been doing coursework since around 5pm...So that's around 7 hours of working.
No wonder I'm tired of learning
It's a prime example of why you should not leave everything until that last possible moment

Tired, Stressed, Annoyed.
Haven't slept in a few days again. I'm so tired but I can never fall asleep. I hate it to be honest because I'm just worn out all the time...I have hardly any energy

Even though I've had plenty of spare time due to not sleeping, I've still not managed to get any courswork done. My attention span sucks. I'll start typing stuff up then I'll get distracted and will forget all about my coursework But even when I do force myself to do some I never seem to finish it anyway. It doesn't help that people have been having a go at me over every little thing. I'm just like someone they especially bottle all their anger up for...Then when they release it I get blamed for everything even though half of the stuff I have no idea what they are talking about...There's just too much stress at the minute

Annoyed...With everything really. Coursework is taking ages to do and I'm trying my hardest and obviously that's not good enough It really bugs me because I want to do well this year and I really am trying but nothing ever gets finished...Or if it does it's of rubbish quality.
I'm getting increasingly annoyed over the fact that I keep getting ignored and pushed away from everyone. It's like I'm suffocating under all these little things and I'm struggling to breathe...And then once I think I've got that hang of breathing something else comes along and weighs me down more than I already am
I'm also annoyed at the fact that all anyone seems to do now is get angry with me. I don't think I'm a bad person...I try not to annoy people...But then I just constantly get abuse Doesn't help that Vati has to get his fucking head in and lectures me about every little thing. He hates the fact I'm not my brother and then because I'm not him I get shouted at and ridiculed for everything I do

I need to breathe...

Broken down like a mirror smashed to pieces.
You learned the hard way to shut your mouth and smile.
If these walls could talk, they would have so much to say.
Cause everytime you fight, the scars are gonna heal.
But they're never gonna go away.

There's only hate.
There's only tears.
There's only pain.
There is no love here.
So what will you do?
There's only lies.
There's only fear.
There's only pain.
There is no love here
So what will you do?

Simple plan make and awful lot of sense

Writing...Supposedly clears the mind so I think I'll just randomly write stuff from my head right now because I really need to clear my thoughts out

6th form...Well it just completely sucks. It just seems to be getting harder and harder and I'm not coping that well with it all. The work just confuses me, yet everyone else seems to understand...Even when I ask about it I get confused I'm not the most clever person but still I thought I'd be able to manage...Guess I thought wrong I don't even like being there. I hate the lessons, I hate the work and I hate the people...I'm even starting to hate my 'friends'

Friends...I used to consider most people I know as friends but now I'm not even sure I consider anyone (apart from Bean and Tash) true friends. I've just been constantly ignored for the past few weeks and it's not even like they have a reason for it Whenever Bean or Tash are not at 6th form I'm just sat on my own...No one else cares. Then whenever I sit with people and they ignore me, I'll listen to my ipod and keep my head down...But oh no! That's not good enough for them because they just call me ignorant for it! Hypocritical bastards

I hate people...They piss me off

Today was ok...Tonight has just been...well to be honest it's made me think. I'm not too sure if that's a good or bad thing at the minute but I suppose I'll know soon enough

I've just been sitting here for the past few hours doing coursework and just wondering what the hell I'm going to do next year. I need to decide soon. Do I quit my courses and do something new Or do I stick it out just for the sake of getting A Levels instead of AS Levels Or maybe I quit some courses and keep the others then move on to an apprenticeship next year I honestly have no idea what is going to be best for me. I just wish I had some sort of idea what the hell I'm doing with my life

I've decided I need to find a job. I don't get ema and I have no other source of money and considering I plan on learning how to drive pretty soon I need some money to pay for that. Sadly I can't sponge off of my parents forever

Life is just too confusing...I hate making decisions...I always seem to make the wrong ones

It makes me laugh how stupid I'm being about all of this...I mean it's just a short term 'crush'...Nothing more right? I've had this feeling for other people before but then why does this time feel so different It's like it matters more to me this time. Maybe it's because she's closer to me than anyone else I've felt this way towards...Or maybe I'm just over-reacting...I don't know

Not been feeling too good today. Got a cold and been feeling sick

On the bright side...I have warm milk and chocolate to make me feel beter

Need to vent. Some of my 'friends' are ignoring me and I don't even know why. Annoys me If they're being so immature then they're not really friends. Makes me so angry that they don't even say if I've annoyed them...They just chose to act like 5 year olds and ignore me...Actualy even 5 year olds have the decency to tell each other when they've done 'something wrong'

Those annoying little 'butterflies' are back...Well I say butterflies...They're more like elephants But I can't tell her how I feel. She'd freak out and then it'd ruin things. I can't fuck up another friendship...Not again. Oh well guess things will be kept to myself for a while longer till I get over it

Not looking forward to 6th form tomorrow. I fancy just staying home and doing all my artwork for thursday...But I know that's not going to happen Guess it'll all be done with soon enough though...I've just got to put up with it all for a few more months then I can do something completely different

Wow...Three posts in one day I feel quite proud!

Ever since I saw Indianna Jones when I was little I've been afraid of walking on bridges.
I love to write but whenever I have the urge to do it I have no inspiration.
I'd feel lost without music.
I know I've got 'anger problems' but I purposely choose to do nothing about that.
When I was little I used to be afraid that Dracula would fly into my room whilst I was asleep and suck out all my blood.
Most of the time I know that something I'm planning on doing is stupid and will hurt people...But I do it anyway.
I never learn from my 'mistakes'.
Most of the time I fear that I'm going to be alone forever.
I have a 'grudge' against religions.
Scroungers piss me off more than most stuff.
Whenever someone 'compliments' me I don't believe them.
When I was about 8, me and Mercedes watched Scream and ever since I've had a fear that everytime I'm alone in the house when it's dark someone will be hiding somewhere dressed in the Scream costume.
I can't look in the mirror without wanting to smash it.
I read into things way too much.
I love the smell of petrol.
When I'm pissed off the only things that can cheer me up are violence and arguments.
I hate stupid people.
I talk to myself sometimes.....
....I think it keeps me sane.
I act like a brat to get what I want.
I get jealous easily.
I don't think I'll ever 'come out of my shell'.
I think I should laugh more.
I like sneezing.
I'm a hypocrite.
For the past year I've been holding onto pathetic grudges and I've realised I need to either: a) Get even...or...b) Forget it.
Lyrics to songs mean too much to me.
Music is one of my ways of coping with anything shit that happens to me.
I don't think I'd be happy if my life didn't involve arguments/conflict.
I think I'm too sheltered.
I hate how I feel like my parents are ashamed of me.
I hardly ever clean my room...Sometimes it gets so bad that you can hardly see the floor.
I love going to gigs.
I want more tattoos...I only have one and I'm already addicted.
I wish my lip was pierced in a different place.
I have loads of dreams but do hardly anything to make them happen.
I feel like I'm a burden to people sometimes.
When I was little I had a pillow fight with my cousin whilst she was babysitting me and my brother and I hit my head on the corner of the fireplace....I still have the dent next to my left eye.
I realised a few months ago that I really want to become a tattoo artist....
....But if I want this bad enough I know I need to become more confident.
I want to learn a different language.
I get freaked out when people come on too strong.
Cookies make me happy.
I resent the fact that my parents never forced me to have piano lessons as a child.
I've got a scar on my wrist where I thought it would be cool to carve an X.
I'll always remember going to watch the Leicester Tigers and falling off my chair and hitting my head on the concrete steps.
Me and Sejal want David Beckham to buy us an island....
....Last year I drew a picture of this island on paint for her.
I wish I was more creative.
I hate how I look yet I always take pictures of myself.
I'm annoyed it's taking this long to do this.
Sometimes I smile and say I'm fine to make people shut up.
In the past year I've become even more of a bitch.
I consider myself to be quite affectionate.
I don't think I'll ever have kids.
I like walking around alone, just listening to my ipod when it's dark and cold outside.
I love sitting/walking in the rain.
I can't hold a conversation.
I hate being stuck in traffic.
Sometimes I wish that I was better at playing guitar.
Milkshake and cookies will forever remind me of Kareena.
I miss Blink 182....
....I cried when they split up.
I hate those moments where you feel helpless.
I love it when people buy me things.
I wish my eyes were green.
I can never make up my mind.
I try not to regret things because at the time everything I've done has been for a reason.
I don't know where I would be without the friends I love.
Sometimes I get carried away with things.
I get moments where I constantly worry about what people think about me....
....And then I get moments where I really couldn't give a fuck.
I'm selfish.
I think sometimes I can be too hard on myself.
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy.
I find it difficult to let people in.
I'm finding it hard to think of things about myself.
I've wanted a lizard for over a year.
Little things can set me off.
A lot of the time being drunk makes me horny.
I feel that if I chose to do an apprenticeship I will fail at it then I will have missed out on getting any qualifications.
I have days off of 6th form because I just can't be bothered to go in.
When I feel upset I listen to sad songs....
....This just makes me more upset.
I wish that I was funny.
I throw tantrums still.
I sometimes wish that I helped people more.
I never want to feel the pain of childbirth.
I feel like running away sometimes.
I love American, Canadian and Finnish accents.
It annoys me when someone talks to me whilst I'm trying to read.
I wish that I had a better ipod.
What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine.
I've always had the urge to try Heroin.
I think one day I'll be homeless....
.....Or in prison.
I loathe authority.
I hate doing what I'm told to.
I don't even think I know who I am anymore.
The older I get, The more I don't understand people.

Bad mood today. Don't know why really. Well I do...But it's not for one specific reason...I'm just being mardy about everything You know when you've been aching for sleep for sooooo long and then when you do sleep you just never want to wake up...It's like that. I wish I didn't have to wake up because then I wouldn't feel shit about everything. It's not even like I have reasons to feel shit about most stuff I just do and it kills me because I feel like I'm being such a whiny git but I can't stop it or even control it

Like last night I was talking to a friend and they were in such a good mood and it made me want to punch them in the face I'm jealous that people can be happy without even trying. I try to be happy but it just doesn't work. Bollocks to all that stuff in the news about exercise...That just doesn't help for me. Yeah I feel healthier and crap but I still don't feel happier. It's like I'm living in a giant bubble and the only one making me miserable is myself. That's the thing I need to change...But no matter how hard I try I can't

I have days where I just think "What's the point anymore?" and it's all getting to the point where I need to do something soon before I do something completely stupid Yesterday morning I woke up feeling shit and then when I went into the bathroom I just broke down I sat in the corner of the room shaking and crying my eyes out....I don't want to be like that anymore. I need something/someone to help me