Thoughts Of An Insomniac

Guys! I mean one minute they're all over you then the next they act as though you're invisible!

I didn't even do anything to piss him off so why the heck was he being a mardy git to me?!

I seriously don't understand men!

First art exam today! It was actually quite...dare I say it...fun! Jade was upset so I attempted to cheer her up by 'falling' off of my chair half way through the exam. Well when I say falling I actually mean diving It was a good dive though and it made her laugh so I achieved my task for the day

Why is it that when you do something stupid to make someone laugh you always get 'cool' people giving you death glares? I mean were they born with a stick shoved up their ass or was it put there when they hit puberty? I honestly don't know. Guess they think me and my friends are immature...But I'd rather be immature than be a stuck-up cow who's idea of fun is making everyone else's lifes a misery

Hope you're all having a good day
x

Why is it that when finally something in life is going right, something else fucks up and leaves you feeling like shit?

I just got back from talking to a friend I fucked things up with, and we've said we are going to make an effort to become good mates again I know I've got to earn his trust back again, and I'm more than willing to do that because after all it's my fault we fell out anyway. So anyway like I was saying. I just got back and was in a good mood until I came home

Vati was pissed off for some reason and took it out on me (again ) He says I'm always getting in the way. He can go fuck himself. I am not in the way. Maybe I somehow inconvenience his life but so what...i am his 'enkeli' after all. Yeah right I haven't been his enkeli for at least 10 years. I'm the brat that gets in his way. Well that's how he sees it anyway. He shouldn't fucking take everything out on me. And he wonders why the fuck I wanna move out

Fucking life....Something is always fucked up in it. I sound completely pathetic for moaning about stuff because things could be a lot worse and I should be grateful that it's not worse. But it still doesn't help me from feeling like shit

As soon as I got in from the Shithole I fell asleep I then woke up about half and hour ago and thought it was around 6am, so I started getting ready to go back to the Shithole I never even bothered to look at the clock. I would have most likey left the house if my brother hadn't of asked me what the hell I was doing
I had to laugh at myself. I must be so fucking eager to get back to the Shithole. Although I highly doubt that for some reason

Today I got a huge lecture from my 'art buddy' as I call her. It was all because I asked her to get me some fucking paint. She was at the paints so I just casually asked her if she could get me some black paint (which I don't think is that much of an unreasonable request) and she went off into a complete spaz and started moaning at how much of a lazy git I am This amused me highly and I laughed at her which made her lecture me more, which made me laugh....A LOT. She kept bringing up embarrassing incidents involving me being a lazy git. It was like that for about an hour I was actually amazed that she had that much amo on me....
NOTE TO SELF: bribe her and keep her quiet

Me and Jade have established that we would make much better boys than we do girls. We act like boys anyway Like today at dinner, we held a burping contest because no one had any idea of what to do to cure our boredom. Only me and Jade took part...because we're cool like that. We got loads of stares from the 'popular girls' I was just thinking "WTF IS UP YOUR ASS?! we're stood here having a laugh...like I give a shit if you think we're being digusting, at least we're having fun you cow. You lot just stand there with blank expressions and bitch about people behind their backs. Hummmm...yes that really sounds more fun than a burping contest...WHORE!" They really get me angry....

Loads of girls we know were talking about buying dresses for the prom and me and Jade said that if we're going we're going to be wearing suits! Neither of us is going to be caught dead in any type of dress And we've decided we're gonna just pull pranks on people all night Personally I think prom's a waste of money...although you do only get one, but still...it's not like I have any money to spare at the minute. Tash asked me to go with her if I wear a suit...haha. That'll be entertaining, I'll get to be her 'escort' for the night Gosh I LOVE my friends, they really cheer me up

Hope everyone's having a great day

Me and Ryan have just been to see mutti. It was actually a good visit. I gave her the chocolates and the card I got her. I wrote a really nice message in the card, but it made her cry (in a good way) I didn't actually mean to make her cry, but as it was a happy kind of crying I suppose it was good

We ended up going into the attic and started sorting out all of our old toys and stuff. I found an old Peter Andre poster. I used to idolise the man! I used to think he was absolutely gorgeous! I think I fell for his six pack personally, because I wasnt too keen on anything else about him

I also found the best thing that was ever created (well not really but still it's pretty damn good!) All of my old spice girls stickers!!! Some of them have Gary Glitter on, which is shocking to be honest It's like "HELLO! look what you are selling to young children!" But oh well, the spice girls stickers are still amazingly great!
I mean how cool was I as a child!

I couldn't be bothered to look for anything after that, the stickers and the posters got me too distracted and before I knew it me and Ryan had to leave. I'm glad mutti was happy with her present, because I felt kind of bad about it because it was only chocolates. I could have gotten her something she'd like more. But I suppose the card made up for that

I hope all you mothers are having a lovely day

Well my friends I guess I should post another blog to take away my boredom I doubt it'll work but it's worth a try so here we go.

I got dragged into town again yesterday I was trying to refuse to go and then mutti practically dragged me out of the house saying stuff like "You can't stay in bed all day?" Actually I could of done if she didn't bloody force me into the car I had hardly slept, and I need at least a few hours sleep to function properly. Yet she insisted on me getting up and going to one of the places I hate! To make matters worse I was 'guided' into crap shops It wouldn't of been as bad if she had gone into good shops, but no! I spent most of saturday morning in places like Marks & Spencers. Don't get me wrong, if you like them type of shops great for you, but it's not exactly my cuppa tea

This is why I hate shopping with the 'rents. They take you to places you would never normally go within a hundred feet of. It's like they know you hate going in those shops but they make you anyway It does my tree in it does

Anyway. Today is Mothers Day. I have gotten mutti some chocolate and a card, seeing as I have no idea what she likes. I've never really taken much notice. Yeah that sounds bad, but me and mutti never really talk as much as we used to She doesn't know what I like and I don't know what she likes. It's like a mutual agreement, stay out of the other one's personal business. I guess it's a pretty crap agreement. I should actually make more of an effort. That could be like my pledge for mother's day! To make more of an effort with mutti

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

I have just now realised how much work I have got to do if I want to pass my GCSEs. It's actually kind of scary It makes me think I should've done the work when I was supposed to instead of leaving it to the last minute. Like tomorrow, my composition for music has got to be handed in and have I started it? No. When was it assigned? September. So this now means I have to stay up late tonight and create myself a marvellous song. I doubt that this is going to happen. It'll be a really shit song. Oh well, it's my own fault

This shows how fucking un-organised and lazy I am. I should be doing it now, but am I? No. I'm on here writing this while doing some research for art. So I suppose I'm not completely wasting my time here I seriously need to get my ass into gear. I know I've got to do the work but I just never get around to it. I always find something better to do. I am going to go into panic mode soon enough and I'll probably have a fit or something like that

I should stop procrastinating. I know I wont though I know I'm a lazy fuck-up who needs to do work, and I very much doubt that I'll be changing anytime soon.

Well I finally got the date for my interview at college I got hardly any time to get all my shit together for it though I seriously need someone to do it for me as I cannot organise anything to save my fucking life. And plus I am too lazy to find everything I need for it

Certificates? What the heck do I need certificates in my personal file thing for? I don't even have any bloody certificates! I have not achieved anything, as my lack of certificates shows. It annoys me how everyone else who has gotten the date for their interviews has already sorted out their personal file and they've filled it with bloody certificicates!!! How the heck is everyone else organised?! I honestly wish I knew.

Well I feel like shit again I hate it how someone can say something and it'll automatically make me feel like crap. I'm completely pathetic. I fucked up and now my friends are happy I feel fucking terrible for feeling like this. I'm very very selfish, I know I am, but I can't help it. I do actually try not to be but it never seems to work I hate, well more like 'strongly dislike' my ex-friends, but in a way if they wanted to be friends again I know that I'd accept without hesitation because I am weak and pathetic. I just don't like the fact that I'm so concerned with what they think of me still. I know I shouldn't be and I'm such a dickhead for caring.

I wish I never fucked up, because if I didn't then people wouldn't hate me and I wouldn't hate myself
See what I mean about me being selfish? ME ME ME! that's all I 've been fucking talking about I get myself angry

I've drank way too much hot chocolate and now I feel as if any moment my guts are going to burst out of me. It's not nice, it's painful actually. I seriously think that all the hot chocolate stuff in the house should be confiscated. It's too damn tempting. Oh dear lord I'm addicted to hot chocolate! That's a new one!

I was proud of myself for actually going to my lessons today I think my form tutor was even suprised I turned up to see her. Oh well, I like to do the unexpected, it keeps people guessing

So in art 'the cool kids' were taking the mick out of people who self harm. It really pissed me off I mean how the hell would they know what it feels like unless they've done it themselves? And if they have, they're basically taking the mick out of themselves.
Sorry about that, but it really pissed me off how they can judge people for something like that. They're all immature idiots who really need to grow the fuck up

Anyway, moving along. Me and my darling Tashbash are still deciding whether to go to Download or not. Everyone else says it's a bad idea as they think we can't look after ourselves for 3 days Which we can might I add. We aren't that stupid no matter how much anyone trys to convince us otherwise.

Today has been pretty uneventful, as my Sundays usually are. Why is it that Sundays are always boring even when you do something?

I have decided that tomorrow I am just going to sleep through school, It's not that important to me anymore so I might aswell try and catch a few z's Sleeping will be a lot more entertaining to me than sitting in a classroom full of 'hooligans' listening to teachers ramble on about things I don't care about To make matters worse I have to go see my form tutor for 'failing to attend lessons'. You think that they'd get the message that I don't want to be there, But no instead they send me to my form tutor so she can tell me the same thing she's been telling me all year They should be happy I even turn up in the mornings. If it was up to me I'd be sat in bed until about half 11.

Fair enough I want to pass my exams and go to college, but at the minute school is less appealing than hell It's basically me and my friends goofing off in lesson and then for the rest of the day getting stuff shouted at us by 'the cool kids' because we're all 'emo' or 'goth' Erm...They don't even know the difference because they are all puny idiots. They couldn't even tell the difference between a fly and a horse. I know it shouldn't piss me off but it does and then I over-react and get myself into trouble because I fight back They're the ones who start it. I'm basically giving them what they want by showing they piss me off, but who cares? One day they'll get what's comming to them because of a little thing that's called karma

Town was actually more fun than I expected it to be. It wasn't as crowded as normal, which I thought was a bit strange but oh well. I wasted my money on a CKY wallet, but then I had no money left to put in it so really there was no point of me buying it. See what shopping does to me? It makes me buy things I don't need. I could've saved my money, but no I had to spend it because as long as I have a hole in my arse I'll never have any money.

On the bus I was sat next to some guy who kept staring at me, and he seriously looked like at any minute he was gonna jump on me or something. So I got off the bus a few stops early. Yes it's a bit pathetic, I'm scared of people on the bus I did actually feel pretty stupid after getting off the bus and walking for about 5 minutes, well only because I wasted my money and mainly my feet were hurting, making me think that I need more exercise

I'm such a lazy git. I've actually just realised that. I now pledge to do pe every lesson we have it! Well it's only table tennis so it's not exactly much exercise but it's about as much as I'm gonna do. See how lazy I am? I might join a gym...but then you have to deal with paying for it and everything, and as I said earlier, I have no money. So that's not a very good idea.

I need a job. Preferably one that's not boring and doesn't take up too much of my 'me' time. "I need to like totally paint my nails and talk to my friends about boys!" haha Yeah right, like I'd say that! I'm not that much of a girl! Like I even have 'me' time, I'm normally sat writing songs for the band or helping other people with stuff. What an exciting life I lead

Why is it that people you care about and maybe even love feel like they have the right to break your heart into tiny pieces and then to top it off act like they don't even care? It's so frustrating. I know I'm not a nice person, far from it actually, but no one deserves to be treated like that. No one should have the right to break a person, but somehow people do it anyway. It's like they never even cared, even though they say they do/did all the time. Everyone's gonna eventually hurt me so why the hell do I bother?

Sorry about all that, I'm in a ranting mood at the minute. I didn't mean to be a whiney arsed git =)

Shopping? Why would anyone in their right mind want to purposely drag themselves out of the comfort and warmth of bed on a Saturday morning just to force themselves threw crowds consisting of old people with shopping carts and over excited 12 yr olds?

So can anyone tell me; Why is it that so many people rush into town and waste away their weekends queuing and being miserable?

Two blogs in the same day. A new record for me. But I shall have to celebrate later on. Now back to the blog.

Don't you think it's strange how one little question can make you evaluate your decisions?

Well. Here I am writing my first blog.It's another pointless piece of writing that'll never get read. So why waste my time you may ask. Well, firstly I just feel the need to keep a sort of 'diary' if you will, so that I can look back on everything and see how stupid or not-so-stupid I am. Secondly, it gives me something to do while I cannot sleep due to a moderate case of insomnia. And thirdly (if that is even a word) I feel the need to write. To get thoughts that are trapped inside my head out.

Reading through this I've noticed that this isn't exactly a brilliant first blog but it will have to do. It's only an 'introductory' blog anyway.