I'm not in a happy mood
I've done completely rubbish in my As Levels I'm really not happy.
I have to go tell my parents soon...I know they're going to be disappointed I mean last yr in my GCSEs I did quite well and I still got the disappointed stares...And now this yr I have done badly and I know for a fact they're going to be disappointed
I'm really angry with myself for not doing better

The mother came home last night...Safe to say I actually missed her Sounds like they had a really good time on holiday. She brought me a Kurt Cobain wallet as a present! I love it

Went Asda today. Is it sad that I'd live there if I could? I love it that much

Went clothes shopping aswell! Got a new dress/top thing...It's grey and has a black paint splatter type pattern and butterfly things on...It's nicer than it sounds I got a black butterfly necklace to match aswell. And I brought a really nice scraf/wrap thing. It's hot pink fading into purple and has black stars all over it

Hope everyone's having a good day

In the past week I've somehow gotten 3 injuries...I don't even know for sure how I got two of them

I've sliced open my hand. I was watering my Mutti's plants in the greenhouse for her and the door wasnt slotted into place properly (It's one of those sliding doors) and it fell...So me being me, decided to try to catch it and stop the glass from smashing but just as a grabbed the front of the door it hit one of the big stones we have in the garden...And instead of grabbing the metal frame I grabbed a handful of glass

I think I've somehow broken my toe...And I have a slight feeling that I've done it by sleeping on the settee almost every night for two weeks

I've somehow injured my other hand because it really hurts when I move it...And I have no idea of how I've done that one

I seem to be a walking accident at the moment

So once again I haven't posted for a while so I thought I'd just do a little update

I think that I've finally sorted out my college courses for next year...But if I do the courses that I want it means going to three different colleges, which is a bit of hassle...But it'll be worth it I'm planning on doing Photography, Business studies/ict and Media studies. Think that's a good mix

My job hunting hasn't been going very well ...Nowhere seems to want to hire me which is extremely frustrating. I want to earn some money because I'm always skint and that's never fun

I've dyed my hair again...It's now dark brown and I've cut it myself...I now have a fringe and it's a bit shorter

That's about it...Oh yeah, the person I'm completely in love with is in love with one of my closest friends...Typical really

Hope you're all good

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I'd post an update of what's been going on

Well as of Monday night I have a new positive outlook on life Something just clicked in my head and I realised that I don't want to come to the end of my life and realise that I haven't done any of the things that I want to do. I want to live and there's no time like the present right?
Live for the moment...Luckilly my new attitude has lasted for two days already so things look very hopeful

I finish college on friday and I can't wait Need to sort out what I'm doing next year. I'm going to try and get a full time job over the summer because I think it'd be good to earn some money, and it's my back up plan if I end up not being able to go to college next year.

Life's getting better
Hope you've all been great

I'm in a very artsy mood again today Got my art book out and I've been sat here painting and drawing. I love it...It's not very often I get in this mood two days in a row. Makes a nice change

Hope you're all having a good sunday

I have both of my literature exams tomorrow morning. I'm dreading it I know that I'm capable of doing it but the thing with me is I never seem to get everything I want to say into the essay within the time I don't write quick enough and I'm just a bit stressy that I won't get all the key points in.
There's a lot to remember and I'm just worried I'll forget something really obvious and lose marks for it.
I hate exams...especially for subjects I hate

So far this week hasn't been that great. It's just all of the crappy things building up inside my head and one day soon I know I'm going to explode

I'm going out on saturday with some friends for a meal (It was one of my friends birthdays this week so it's sort of a birthday thing), but once again I have no money...but I feel like I have to go because I know she'll be pissed off if I don't Don't get me wrong, I really do want to go because it sounds good but I haven't got the money to go. My friends just don't seem to get the fact that I don't always have money like they do, and on the rare occasions that I do have money I don't really want to spend it because I want to save it so that it's not wasted The thing about certain friends is they seem to make me feel so guilty if I don't have the money to do something and it really does piss me off Just because their parents give them money left right and centre doesn't mean that everyone elses parents do that. They all get ema aswell....and I don't. So they just assume that I'm going to go scrounge money from my parents just so it'll make them happy....Well I'm tired of doing that

I'm going to go out with them, but if I can't afford to eat and have to sit there then so be it. It'll just be proof that I can't afford everything like they can

I need to vent...as usual
I hate how when I feel like shit and say something about it to someone, they just make me feel bad.
I told my friend that I just don't know what to do anymore because I know I can't carry on feeling like this without saying something...And do you know what she said ....to sum it up it was along the lines of:
"That's really made ME feel better to hear that you're feeling like that. I have enough to deal with at the minute."
At the end of the day it shows she cares because she's pretty much 'worried' about me...but seriously does she think that's going to help Pushing me aside and making me feel guilty is only going to make me feel a lot worse about the whole thing

Today wasn't so good I don't know how to explain it...It's like I wasn't me but I was watching me (If you understand what I mean by that). It's confusing It's like someone else was controlling my feelings and I could only watch as everything was happening.

All day people kept talking to me as if I was stupid. That really did bother me It's like they're all in this little group together and they purposely talk down to me because I'm on the outside and I'm just looking in on them like some sort of freak. That really does not help my little 'problem' with paranoia

I came home and locked myself in my room again. I sat against the door just crying...I just don't want to be around people right now It's like if I'm around people then I'll have to put on this facade, all the while feeling so utterly paranoid and shit about myself I hate this. I hate the fact that I'm still locked in my room on my own worrying about what everyone thinks of me. Why should I care I shouldn't! I know I shouldn't....and yet I still do. What's wrong with me